You do it to yourself

I got to tell you guys about my story, and what I learnt. I take this as a lesson in life, and I hope you can learn something from it too.

Years ago, you guys know that I dated Thao. At first I thought it was a good oppurtunity to have a girlfriend, thats why I first dated her because she caught my attention. As you know, it didn't ended up being successful because I neglected her. Then she dated Dean, and then I got jealous. I wanted her back because of that and because she hurt my ego. I tried everything to get her back - kept calling her so she can take me back or writing letters. I thought it was love, but that was bullshit. It was because of my insecurities in myself and probably lust/sexual desire for revenge. All to boost my ego.

At that time, I was struggling in uni, so I desperately needed someone to emotionally support me. I was fucking desperate. A call from Thao was like heaven to me, because that made me think that someone cared for me - it helped ease my insecurities. Everything she said or wanted to do, i agreed with and I said I wanted to do it with her too. I was a dog or better, a BIG PUSSY! I agreed to everything she said because I wanted to feel accepted. She even ask me to go to Vietnam with her, and I jumped and accepted (which didn't happen - she just went). After a while, nothing happen. I got sick of it and I felt hurt. After I graduated, I went to escape and head to Sydney. I think I was emotionally fucked.

Now Sydney was good, because I was able to do things what I wanted to do - because I had the freedom. The downside was my attitude and the sense of guilt of leaving my parents. I had phone calls from Thao, and I thought she wanted me back. That's why i came back down from Sydney. I was stupid and desperate. again.

Once, I was down back in Adelaide, my parents were already setting up a clinic for me. Now I didn't want to work there, but I worked there anyway to please my parents. So now I was working in a place which I didn't want to be and also working with a person I didn't like. I was not generally happy working at that place.

During this time, I was talking to Thao, and I was shocked to hear that she was seeing another guy. (not dating according to her mind you). Anyway, I felt jealous again - but then I said to myself, enough of this shit. I'm not going to lie to myself again. I didn't love her, I just felt jealous and insecure. I talked to her once during that time, and after I said to myself its better to forget her.

During that time, after I said to forget about her, it was very liberating. I was able to do things that I enjoyed - for instance martial arts, without worrying about anything. I had the feeling of freedom at that time.


Now also during this time, I really started to hate my work. I didn't want to be there in the first place. I was there to please my parents. That's why i started to do things I shouldn't and got into trouble for it (lets hope not a lot of trouble at all).

Now you guys know what happen to me at work at the moment, and the things that happen during that time. I'll discuss that later, that's a different topic.

But what I have learnt through all this, is:

1. Be Honest to yourself - This is a fucking hard thing to do. Don't lie to yourself, you will only make things worse.

2. You're the most important person in a relationship - You have to be happy with yourself. You have to stop thinking that you're not worth anything, and to stop putting yourself down all the time. You have to believe in yourself. Trust yourself.

3. Who cares what other people think - Stop pleasing everyone. It's a trap, in which you are trapping yourself and you are the cause. You don't realise it, but subconsciously you will sabotage yourself because of it. Believe me, it happens. :(

4. The meaning of life is one thing - what you want it to be.

I hope you understand.